Through the storms: Divine Intervention (part 5 of 6)

         

I do not belive that we are here by pure accident. Telling me the universe is here by accident is like me telling you that a mansion can build itself perfectly without human assistance. If You don;t belive that a House can be built without a designer what are the odds that the Earth and Universe are here without a designer. I belive there is a God, I belive he helped me through all of my storms and I am going to share some of my Divine intervention Testimonies.

God Sends the Kitty cats: There would be times when I'd be walking home or somewhere in a very bad mood. Mainly I'd be arguing with my boyfriend over something small but obviously a huge deal to me. I had a tendancy to over react and act like a child, it was quite sad but thats just what I did. As soon as I sat down on a curb to bawl my eyes out, for some reason a random cat would prance up to me, rub against me and purr. Me having a soft spot for cats would sniffle, pet the cat and smile. My Boyfriend (who's now my husband) would sit next to me and say "See, God loves you, he keeps sending you cats to cheer you up." and it worked every time.
         One particular event I was VERY lucky to have a cat intervene. I was royally pissed at Nick for likely some small reason and I blew it out of proportion. While he and his family were enjoying the Harbour day fireworks I walked into his house, vandalized his bedroom and tried to OD on Buckleys (Yes Buckleys...because it's so cool to OD on a cough medicine you can't even OD on) I went home, thought things over and grabbed a bottle of Tylenol. I was set on commiting suicide in my boyfriends bedroom. So I grabbed my bottle of extra strength tylenol and walked out the door where a really cute kitten was waiting for me right on my door step. I stopped, sat down and held the kitten. I never saw that cat again after but it stopped me from going over to Nick's house. I called Nick as soon as he got home, I appologized for trashing his room and he forgave me. Any Normal person would call the cops on me and get me some help...but he didn't feel a need to because I did get help, I got divine help. Too many instances occured where I was stopped by a cat. Heck sometimes I was stopped by skunks. But I truly belive that God sent those cats. Why? Who knows me better than God?

My very own Guardian Angel I was having a VERY tough summer in 2003. I was 16 and everyone knows how emotional 16 year olds are. I was dating a guy who didn't know how to deal with me and I was constantly waging wars with friends. I was on the line of just ending my life...half the summer I was just plain Emo. One morning I got cheered up because someone left me a note in my mailbox and signed it as "Guardian Angel". Now even if it was a prank and I was stalked by some girl or whether it was a guy actually keeping an eye on me those notes still caught my interest and cheered me up. One of them told me to cheer up, look out my window and up to the sky and say that I am a good person. So Every night I stared at the sky and Told myself I was awesome. The whole summer I tried to solve the mystery but I never did. I assumed it was my favorite OHL hockey player stalking me but I highly doubt it. I doubt it was a hockey player. It may have even been some old guy for all I know but who ever it was it sounded like they really cared and that's all I needed. Today I feel that God placed this random person in my life just to change my direction. I did change direction, I got better grades at school and just like the letter said there was someone waiting for me at school who'd be a better boyfriend for me than the one I had in the summer of 2003. So I dumpped my boyfriend and a few months later I aquired a new stalker...His name is Nick, he never gave up and he rocks my world.

The answered prayer: I felt sorry for this kid when I was in grade 10. There was this boy I saw every day and he would always walk home for lunch. He was always alone...like me. So, because I'm so caring and concerned I prayed for this boy. I really wanted to see him happy in life. I wanted to see him with a wonderful girlfriend, someone who'd be the perfect companion for him. So I was being nice and I asked God to help him. God can do anything! Who would have known that I was the perfect girl for this boy. I didn't know, I had no interest in him because I was still stalking my favorite Oshawa General whom I had zero chance with...I'm quite glad I never dated a hockey player, they really aren't my type. So God answered my prayer, because God has a great sense of humor. Who set eyes on me in grade 11? Well The boy I prayed for of course! Now I'm married to him and I can boast that God gave Nick the "perfect" girl. I did mention perfect in my prayer...Obviously I'm perfect!

Jesus told me not to do it: I had pills, I had wine, I was set on making a big scene and drinking my wine with those pills. So I sat in my bathtub with my wine and pills in hand and I was about to take them. That's when Jesus intervened (Yes I know it sounds crazy) No he didn't talk to me nor did I see him but something in my mind made me feel that Jesus was saying no...so I put the bottle down and tossed the pills. I don;t care what ANYONE says, he changed my mind okay? My conscience isn't capable of helping me...that much I know.


Jesus Take the Wheel: I was having an appocalypse moment, The house was going to foreclose, Bill collectors were calling non stop, I had a big fight with Nick that morning, my kid was acting up big time, my customers were rude and insulting and my world was falling apart. So I fell apart too. I just shut right down and gave up. As I sat on the floor defeated my ears tuned into the song on the Radio. Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" was playing so I listened. I heard this song hundreds of times but this time it totally changed me. I got on my knees, cried out and I Let Jesus take the wheel. Obviously I suck at driving. He drives better. So When Nick was done work expecting to fight some more he was totally confused when I hugged him and told him it would be okay. And It's okay. A huge burden was lifted, financial stress got taken away. Everytime we face hardships all I can do is laugh and calmly try and find solutions. There's always solutions.


Can he take it all away? If it wasn't for God I'd probably be either dead or in a mental institution. Can God take it all away? I belive he can. I have people laugh at me or pressure me to stop following God but I think they're just foolish. Why on Earth would anyone want me to stop doing something that CLEARLY makes me feel better and makes me a nicer person? Could I do stuff without God? No, I'd be an asshole looking for drama like I used to be those few years I rejected God. I'm not perfect, I never will be but I have something to hang on to when my ship sinks in the storm. If Jesus is in my boat I ain't going down. So Yes, God can take it all away. I'd be so miserable right now without Him. <3

Through the Storms: Journal Entries (Part 4 of 6)

             I found some of my highschool journals (Yes I kept them) and found that every other page was pretty much negative. One day I had a good day the next I was having an aweful day. I complained alot and vented alot...for the most part my entries were very silly. But I got together some parts of the journal and I have decided to blog them. This is who I was back in the day.

November 27/2004 "...the looks he gave me, I know he was staring and so was his girlfriend. Who knows what he said about me! I was such a LOSER! I realize now, everything I am is all my fault, I made myself a loser, It was my fault bullies targeted me-I'm a LOSER! All those damn nights I cried and blamed everyone else but all I have to blame is myself...I've let myself down big time."

Dec 5 2004-"No matter how many of us there are, we all eat from the same loaf, showing that we are all parts of the body of Christ (1Cor 10:17) ...and they allowed my friend whos not a Christian nor believes in God to partake in the Lord supper? We ate the bread and partook of the cup with a person of the world? This means she's symbolically apart of me!"
     (How Naive I was as a Christian, I knew nothing and I found this comment very silly. For so many years I was a blind Christian and it wasn't until 2009 that actually figured things out. I am on track now and see everything in a huge new perspective. Yes I am still a Christian and I can testify that most of my problems were solved all thanks to God and I will Testify that till the day I die)

      "I really want to ve a Vet tech, I can't see myself doing anything else. I hate people, I want to work with animals. I'm just not a people person...I will never be a people person."

"Im begining to feel alot of love for Nick. What if he's right? what if we really are meant to be? He might be my true love! Most guys keep asking for sex (Nick does sometimes), I don't want to have sex unless it's with my soulmate. I'm a one man kinda girl." (wooo if only I knew...LOL)

Jan 7 2005 "We did pig dissection in biology so I attacked one of the dumb ass Oshawa Generals with the intestines. Oh man his face went so pale and his team mates went into hysterics. Serves the dick right for copying off me every damn day. Yeah I know I'm messed up...but it was so damn funny."

March 1st 2005 "Nobody is listening to ME! I wish people would stop walking all over me!"

March 16 2005 "Nick broke up with me at lunch. When I called him around 7:30 he pretended as if nothing even happened. What a Dick Head I f****** hate him! He can rot in hell for all I care! I'd rather be alone the rest of my life in a F****** strait Jacket! Thats where I belong! Nick says He's sick of my attitude? Sick of abuse? Whatever! Anyways I punched a hole in the wall, kicked my hampster cage, broke a few candles in my room Smacked my head off my keyboard and told my mom to go F*** herself...I don't really remember what else I did but I know I screamed like a Banshee or a demon possessed little girl. I wonder if my eyes were red and glowing. After I hit my head off the bathroom counter I felt better...only the pain can stop my wrath. Nothing else works."


"Why am I such an idiot? Why can't I be responsible? I'm sick of hurting myself! I want this to end! I'm so tired and it hurts!"

April 8th 2005 "Today my fave singer was found dead in 1994. Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. He took his own life but his music still lives to make me feel better. Sometimes I dream of killing myself while listening to Nirvana, but I'm a coward. So Instead I sit here listening to Nirvana thinking of suicide. Today marks the birthday of my fave hockey player...I had a crush on him and was all obsessed like some girl who talks non stop about their fave boy band. The crush is gone but maybe one day we could be friends....I think he's pretty cool. I wonder if he likes Nirvana? After all a very talented singer was found dead on his birthday."

April 27 "I hate my mom so much! She's NEVER possitive! Seriously...why do I want to put on F****** makeup and make my damn hair perfect? Who gives a rats ass??? The world should have bloody ended years ago the way she talks. She actually told me that Christianity was making me ill...What? Holy crap what kind of a Christian is she? One of a kind...one of a kind."

May 16 "Durring my spare class I talked to strangers online abour farts hehe."

June 3rd 2005 "Nick Proposed to me at prom!!!...Omg I walkied into the bathroom and 5 girls were discussing how Nick and I won't last and that we'll be broken up by next week. Stupid bitches. One girl said I don't deserve him? Oh right so after all those whores make fun of him for years they have rights to say I don't deserve him? You snooze you lose Bitches! Stupid hippocrites! I didn't see any of them being nice to him. Whatever...this is the last year I have to ever see their stupid faces!" (Until *drum roll* Facebook! However they all changed just like everyone else. Highschool is such a drag.)

June 6th "I had a terrible morning. I freaked out, threw my hair brush at Nick, all because my hair looked like crap and My ring broke. So he walked out on me and I got more pissed and I spazzed out on my bathroom floor. My all time fave place to spaz. I can't control myself...when I get into these moods I seem to have issues calming myself down. It sucks...I wish I was in more control. I'm sick of hurting people. I'm sick of hurting myself."

Septmeber 8th 2005 "Well, screw college plans. For a few years anyway. Got the news today that I'm pregnant. Nick was really happy. HA! I knew it! He Knocked me up on purpose! That bastard! Oh man my mom is going to freak out big time. You know what? I'm pretty excited...I'm going to be a mommy!"

October 8th "I felt depressed today so I went over to Nicks house. For once instead of telling me to suck it up he Hugged me and comforted me. It was nice. Then we watched Hockey and I couldn't stop laughing at how utterly Ridiculous Alfredson looked. Bahahahaha CLOWN!"

October 17th "My mom wants me to move to Moncton with my sister and look after the baby there. My sister agrees and says she'll adopt my baby and I can stay there and look after the baby. So I talked to my sister for a bit about this idea..."

november 4th "Commencement today. I graduate from Henry High. I have so many memories! Crushing on an Oshawa General, slipping on a puddle, watching my friends slip on the hill, getting suspended over something so stupid...so many things yet the biggest was meeting Nick. I love him so much! And we get to graduate together. Of course we fought for a bit before commencement but we made up in five minutes. Nick loves me, he has to. Nobody else could put up with all my crap. But he did. So tonight I graduate...and I'm pregnant. I passed out while waiting in line to sit down in the gym. My introduction wasn't "Jess is attending RidgeTown College" It was "Professional Mercahndise mover at Zellers." Oh yeah...I Rock. Screw You Henry Street Highschool I'm Outta here...and I'll miss every moment of it."

November 18th "So I decied to throw a huge fit and not go to work tonight. I went to the Bar and sang some Karaoke then Nick walked in and I ran outside, took my shoes off and walked half way home barefoot in the snow. I didn't feel the cold...I just walked. I was pissed off. I walked all the way home fighting with Nick, went inside, quit my job and chopped all my pretty hair off. MY LIFE BLOWS!!!"

December 31 2005 "I walked out of my stupid house, I'm sick of my mom. So I went to Nick's house for  New Years Eve. I need to move out of my house...my mom is so controlling. I'm getting annoyed. To top it off Nick and I are both sick so we slept through the new years count down. 2006...is going to be a year of big changes."

February 22nd 2006 "OMG I don't wanna see my blood sugar results I don't wanna give up sugar >< I love sugar. OMG!!! The OB just told me I need MORE SUGAR! I'm low blood sugar! That's why I always faint. WOOT! SUGAR!!!!! I'm so happy right now!"

May 13th 2006 "I'm the proud mommy of a little girl. Nick knows so much more about parenting than I do. I thought I'd break Aurora if I held her. I figured it all out though. She's so Beautiful."

June 20th 2006 "I Need to get the hell out of my parent's house ugh! They won't let Nick see his daughter half the time! My mom wouldn't let me take her for a walk. SHES MY KID! I need to get the hell out of here. I'm not an incompetent idiot!"

      and that's where my Journals pretty much end. I had more issues after of course. Nick and I got married July 11th 2007. We bought our own house November 23rd 2007. Things were up and down for a bit until I started to not give a rats butt about finances. I'm happy with what I have. We Figured out energy drinks made me into Miss Hulk so I no longer drink them. So many changes. I was messed up in Highschool. I was confused, crazy, depressed...I was all over the place. But Today I have so much more together...and my pleads to get better came true.

5.8 Quake reported at Goslin Residence.

(Please read Blog post titled "Richter Scale of Life's poop" before reading this post)



5.8 Quake causes Damages
            At approximately 10:35 EST January 24th, 2011 a quake measuring 5.8 was confirmed. The Quake was thought to be a 4.0 at first but upon further investigation it was discovered to be a 5.8. Over the weekend the temperatures were well below zero which resulted in bathroom pipes freezing. The Goslin's returned home to discover the toilet line was frozen. It was not until Monday at 10:35 that they discovered that the pipes were not only frozen but had burst below the toilet causing a slight emergency situation. 
            "We got the bathtub pipes unfrozen from the putting heat in a small space in the basement where our bathroom pipes are. Once we started to pour hot water into the toilet's holding tank the ice thawed in the toilet as well but would not stop flowing. We suspect there is a breakage in the pipe under the toilet. Our biggest issue is getting to that pipe, we have no choice but to dig the pipe out." States Jess.
           The Goslins will have to remove the toilet, dig a hole in the floor and inspect the pipes. If they are correct in their theory they will have to replace the pipe, fix the floor, put the toilet back and buy new tiles. Damage is estimated at roughly $50 assuming all goes as planned. Repairs will be made this evening and the Goslins are hoping to have the bathroom back in order by tomorrow.
         "It would be nice to have a shower, or shave, or be able to use the toilet as soon as possible." Says the Goslin's Boarder, Jason.
         "Um...um the toilet is broken! Seven (the dog) is mad!" States four year old resident, Aurora Goslin.
          "Yes, well, the dog is clearly upset as we had to put the lid on the upstairs toilet to keep the dog from drinking dirty water. The toilet is her favorite drinking bowl. I have faith my bathroom will be fixed tonight, I'm not too worried about it. I'm just looking forward to getting my bathroom back in order." Says Jess.
          It is too soon to speculate on just how much the repairs will cost and if they can be done. Updates will be posted as soon as we know more about the situation.

The Bottom of the barrel

           I am admitting for once in my life that we need help. As much as I disagree with Welfare, it looks like we're applying for it. Nick's $1000 a month doesn't cut it. For the third time this month his hours at work were slashed. He works at Tim Horton's (even though he's over qualified for a crap job like that...but I have a strong feeling he's there for the free coffee) and because we are in the middle of nowhere they are not busy until March. What happenes March? Roll Up The Rim to Win of course! Where all canadians flock to Timmies just to buy coffee so they can win more free coffee! After March the cottagers start coming up and that little Tim Horton's is understaffed. Nick can kiss any hopes of getting a long weekend off in the summer. But for now...we're BROKE!
          So here we are looking at options. And Welfare looks pretty nice right about now. Even if we only get $200 a month that will help. I'm unemployed until April (Again because my workplace won't be busy until the vacationers arrive) and we're running out of options. The Hydro bill is $500 for a single month thanks to our base board heaters. We still haven't paid our Gas bill from 2009  either and the chain saw broke five times so we can't cut up the wood to heat our house. We're so broke we will likely have to head out for the first time in our lives to the food bank ><
            So my adventure starts next week when we go apply...if they say no at least we have an option to pay the Hydro through charity. Right now I feel like I'm a charity. Any Birthday money I get next week is going to bills. I look at the calandar and count down the days...knowing damn well everytime I say "It's going to be better...it's going to be better" it will just be the same struggle on a different day. We've been scraping that barrel for 3 years now. I'm sure it will continue.
           Things of course looked much brighter when a friend dropped off some food today. You know, I might be scrapping my barrel bottom but I am so grateful for my awesome friends and family. I'm so happy for the stuff I have because I have alot more than most people. Treasure isn't what you have on this Earth anyway. Yes I'm at the bottom of my barrel and guess what? I'm Still Happy!!!!

Through the Storms: Bi-Polar (part 3 of 6)

             I could start off my day happy, walk to school, smile, everyont thinks I'm good for the day. My smile pulled others in, I was always getting compliments about how happy I was. By Grade 12 I had lots of friends, less problems and for the most part everyone assumed I was the happiest person alive. I was happy, I fgound joy in so much until the darkness hit. And when that darkness came it came hard and I changed.
           Bi-Polar, otherwise known as manic depressive. Extream ups and downs. The up was great the down was horrible. One I was in a hole it took hours, sometimes days to get out. No matter who offered to help, no matter how many funny shows I watched or how much music I listened to I had a very hard time getting out of my darkness. And it wasn't just moping around all depressed like either. These were episodes that should have landed me in a psych ward. I was 100% impulsave, I could do anything at anytime for no reason at all.
            There was one particular night that all was well and all of a sudden I was just pissed at the world. I felt like nobody loved me, I had no hope and the more people spoke to me the angrier I got. I lost it, I went all excorsist on the living room floor. I'm not exaggerating, the only description I can offer is demon possessed girl. That's what I was. I kicked, screamed, swore, lashed out at everyone, threw things, punched holes in the wall with my head, ran to the basement, flipped a couch over 3 times with one hand then sat down, gave up and started to laugh. I began to laugh at my silliness and all was well. I got up, went to put the couch back and could not lift it without help. All I could really do was just laugh it off. Laugh until the next fit overcame me. My parents were used to fixing the walls, I got used to moving pictures and paintings around to cover any holes I made with my forehead. It went on for years, and can still happen today. Why? because sometimes my imballance is so strong the only solution is to walk out the door and go to a public place where I will hide behind a smile.
           The last big episode I had was November 2009. My Husband was working in Toronto, I was all alone at home. I came home from work, and got mad at myself because I screamed infront of my daughter and scared her. Shge came up to me and told me it would be okay, I told her to go away. I was incapable of looking after my own kid that evening. But I tried, finally she went to bed and that's when I really started. I went on Skype to talk to my husband and all hell broke loose. It was one thing after the other that set me off on a downward spiral. By 10pm I was into the ibuprofen. Each time my husband said he didn't belive I'd kill myself I took a pill. I ate 13 pills that night. My mom in law had to calm me down too. By the 13th pill I was feeling better because I was stonned off Ibuprofen. My legs were numb and I was just tired. I went to bed, woke up as if nothing even happened and went to work. All was good. I appologized to my husband, told my mom in law on the phone that I knew better and since then nothing that extream has happened. I had another episode in april of 2010 but it was more of an anxiety issue that got solved when I walked out the door and found myself at the church prayer meeting.
             We figured out after a huge pattern that I'm seasonal Bi-Polar. The rest of the year only anxiety bugs me. Novemember and April are the dark months. I can get into a two week episode where I'm literally a ticking time bomb. Those months I absolutely have to keep my daughter at home (not let her go visit grandma) because she's the only person who keeps me grounded even if she decides to be annoying. I won't have a huge fit infront of my daughter. If I don't keep busy the darkness sets in and I usually suffer for it. I've chewed my wrists, scratched at my face, hit my head off the walls which are NOT drywall so I end up with bumps. I can be a total mess. But I was successful in November of 2010, I had a few minor freak outs but under the circumstances I was in I'm surprised I didn't kill myself. But I got through for once.
               The darkness will return. The darkness best described as demons in my head. I know it's not demons but my chemical imballance puts my greatest foe against me: Myself. I have to fight my own thoughts, and that right there is a very challenging battle. But I have not lost yet, so now I wait.

Through the storms: Anxiety Disorder (part 2 of 6)

          The only thing that was able to supress my A.D.D was Anxiety but it came with a price. My mind was full of anxiety the first day of highschool and it didn't help that I entered my first day of Highschool solo. There were classes that I did the unthinkable, I was quiet and anti social. I spoke minimal words in most of my classes. I tried to keep to myself. And when I got home anxiety just set in for the unknown of the next day.
          Grade 10 is when I got diagnosed with a severe case of anxiety disorder. My doctor prescribed Paxil after Ritalyn failed. I was introduced to Paxil before they made it illegal to prescribe to people under the age of 18. I almost died on Paxil because I was not  taking it properly, I missed a pill here and there and it did alot of damage. Grade 10 is when I first attempted suicide. I would aimlessly wander around my neighbourhood with my mind swarming with multiple thoughts. I was so sick of suffering that I tried to end my life by overdose. Lucky for me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed and I tried to OD on Zantac. Yes Zantac, heart burn meds. I took about a dozen Zantac tablets and NOTHING happened. The second time I tried to kill myself I used the hanging method but the branch holding the rope broke. The third time I tried to end my life someone called the cops on me because I was disturbing traffic...trying to get hit by cars isn't that effective. I chickened out the fourth time, the train didn't come soon enough and I was over my episode so I went home. I tried to OD on Buckleys Cough syrop twice (I'm serious). One time I purposely took penicylin and it turns out I am no longer allergic to it. 14 ibuprofen pills only made me numb, I puked up the tylenol, and I could never hit my head hard enough off the walls. Some of the suicide methods were actually kind of funny now that I look back but every time I tried I was serious about it.
         There was a time when I had a fight with my boyfriend in grade 10, I locked myself in my bathroom and just screamed. I stared myself down in the mirror and held a knife to my wrists. I really wanted to just slit my wrists. I wanted to feel pain. My mom started to anger me so I forgot about my fight with my boyfriend and focused all my anger on her. So to piss my mom off I took the knife and chopped off my long hair. The salon fixed it two days later but in the end all my long hair was gone. All in the name of a stupid anxiety attack. When I got anxiety I literally fought with myself. The pain was so bad that the only ways out were rages.
         Every other day I had a massive anxiety attack. But I was getting them because I was abusing my pills. Paxil is a very dangerous medication. The summer of 2003 was very tough for me because I was just a ball full of emotions. Trouble seemed to always find me and my friends that summer. I was in a volatile relationship with a guy 3 years older than me...but I was the volatile one and he just didn't understand me. That summer I really wanted to just give up...I was so sick of living with the feeling of the world crashing down on me so I blocked everything out of my mind and I went to go end it all. But before I went out the door my mom handed me a letter that was left in the mail box. I've never seen writting like it, and it was just a peice of paper that said "Hey Jess, You're favorite Hockey Player says Hi, be good." So my first reaction was that OMG my crush is Stalking me!!! It wasn't my crush, and I still have no clue who placed 14 letters into my mailbox that summer. Maybe it was my mom's doing...she's never admitted to getting someone to write them but I have a feeling it was her idea. But it worked anyway whether it was someone actually stalking me or my mom hiring someone to write them. After that letter 13 more arrived with messages of encouragement. And they kept me sane. The 12th one told me to dump my boyfriend and I did. I was so set on finding my Guardian angel that  would do ANYTHING, even remaining single for a few years.
              Well my singleness lasted a grand total of 3 months. But the next person  started dating really is my Guardian Angel. Without Nick, I don't know if I'd ever gotten this far. Nick stuck by me. Every single raging fit I took He was there. Every single hole I punched in the wall, he was there. Every time I physically abused him, he was there. (I did a poor job of hurting him, I usually ended up pulling my own muscles each time I tried to beat him up). I was a mess and I was messing with everyone's emotions.
            Anxiety was a darkness that I faced pretty much every day. I claimed it was depression eating away at me but it was anxiety. If I didn't want to do something or be somewhere I did ANYTHING in my power to get out. I had panic attacks, I took fits, I hyperventilated, I cried, I hurt myself sometimes just to get out of situations. Depression is a darkness where you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Anxiety is more expressive and not hidden like depression is. People can tell when I'm having an anxiety attack because my mood changes. I'm not who I normally am.
               Anxiety still affects me today. I can get over an episode within an hour though. When I feel anxious I warn everyone around me. I go and do my own thing like listen to some music until the feeling goes away. It was emotional when I was a teen and now it's a physical feeling. It's hard to explain the feelings that I feel but I can truthfully say they are physical. So all I do is wait for the anxiety to return and when it does I deal with it.

Through the Storms: A.D.D (part 1 of 6)

          
            I was 12 when my parents dragged me off for some testing. I was disruptive at home, I was unable to focus in school and there had to be a logical reason as to why NOBODY liked me. Wait, the younger grades liked me but that was because I was at par with them. What 4th grader wouldn't want a 6th grader trading pokemon cards with them? As for kids my own age, they wanted nothing to do with me unless I had a big bag of candy and was willing to share. So off I went to fill out a 200 multiple choice questionaire, talk to some shrinks, and get a brain scan. The Brain Scan picked up multiple chemical imbalances and I was immediately prescribed Ritalyn. In all honesty the pills did nothing!
            So here I was, a loner 6th grader on Ritalyn. At the end of the school year my teacher showed me my stack of orange detention slips...all 76 of them. All for forgetting to do stuff like my homework. I got the same amount of detentions in grade 7 and 8 as well. I coudn't focus on math (Except for some odd reason I totally aced Triginometry, I guess I just fancy triangles). I could not read music for the life of me so I cheated in Music class. I could not keep my mouth shut, I was always fidgiting, I carved holes into my desk, I doodled all over my work books, and I was unable to stand in the "Girl Circle" at recess. I don't regret being the Only girl who was not part of the "Girl Circle" because they talked about boring stuff like boys and makeup and that stupid TV series "Friends", so my inability to stand still for 5 seconds paid off.
           I was taken off Ritalyn in grade 8 because it wasn't doing anything. I got picked on alot and I always felt left out. My classmates hated me because I was plainly annoying. I was trying to be funny but I wasn't good at it. I blamed everyone for being cruel but I know now that it wasn't their fault it was mine. I was the one who chose to drink Jolt and intentionally eat red candy, I was the one who couldn't keep her mouth shut, I was the one who gave up way too easily. I sat alone at all the school dances trying to get attention, I went home crying after grade 8 grad because nobody talked to me, I entered grade 9 solo. It was nobody's fault but my own.
          In grade 10 I was put back on Ritalyn. And it actually worked. But I was only on it for about a month because it started to give me chest pains. I remember noticing all sorts of stuff I hadn't noticed before. I felt like I was in slow motion. For a short little while I had no problems with focusing and I didn't get into trouble. But grade 10 became an issue when A.D.D was no longer the problem, Anxiety Disorder and Bi-Polar was. I was simply unaware that I had a severe mood disorder. I got violent at home, I got myself into all sorts of trouble, I instigated many issues, someone even attempted to kill me in grade 10 because I pissed them off so much (Okay I'm sure she didn't want to kill me but she certainly wanted to hurt me...alot.) The A.D.D certainly didn't help things. I was a hyperactive Emo. That's the only way to describe myself. I was a Bubbly little Emo girl.
            A.D.D goes away with age thankfully. I still feel it's effects though. I still have issues focusing and I am easily distracted. It's actually quite noticeable. But A.D.D just scratches the surface because my real problems were (and still are) Anxiety and Depression. Today the only problem I face with A.D.D is my forgetfulness. I'm still alive to write this so lucky for me I didn't get murdered for annoying anyone. And that right there is a success. Hang in there if you suffer from A.D.D...it becomes less of a problem with age and more of a funny personality quality. I still annoy people but they love me :D

Through the storms: Mood Disorders

           The Biggest storms that I faced in my life were the result of the mood disorders that I have. Of course I couldn't just be cursed with one mental illness I had to be cursed with 3. A.D.D, Anxiety and Bi-Polar (Known today as Manic depressive). I have had alot of thoughts lately about what my next blog entries would be so I decided why not write about all the storms I faced in the past.
            Today I still face my wonderful mood disorders but each day I learn how to fight them off. Diet change can reduce my A.D.D (plus as an adult being A.D.D isn't as severe). Not drinking caffiene and knowing when to take a breather reduces my anxiety. Getting enough vitamins and recognizing the early signs of a depression attack can reduce the severity of my wonderful dark thoughts. It was not easy getting to where I am now, It took effort and alot of work. Nobody will change if they don't want to. Alot of people with Mood disorders just give up and accept the fact that they are messed up. many people use their mood disorders as an excuse but I think thats just the easy way out. There's no point in giving up, I know there is an end to the storms because I have reached the other side of all my storms.  I know there are more coming too.
              Over the next few days (or weeks depending on how busy I am) I will write a 6 part blog about my experiences with my messed up mind. I hope that they encourage people with similar mood disorders. I hope to show people that they are not alone even if they feel they are. I want to show people that there is hope and brighter days.

        

There's nothing like a backyard rink

            Part of a Canadian winter is to build a nice back yard rink. It takes alot of work and it requires ideal weather. I remember as a kid my dad used to spend a whole week making a perfect rink. he spent nights flooding it, shovelling everytime it snowed. We Lived in Moncton at the time and we had a big yard so we made a big rink. I got decked out in Hockey gear as a 5 year old and went out with my little hockey stick to shoot some pucks around with my older brother and dad.
            I am blessed to have a huge rink in my back yard. It doesn't need flooding, it doesn't have to be built either it's there every single year as long as the weather is cold. It's called a pond. And after last weeks rain then deep freeze the pond got flooded. It's not overly slippery but it's ideal to skate on as it is smooth. So I shoveled the snow off it, strapped on my skates and went for a skate. My Daughter had her first experience and skated for a good 15 minutes before wanting her boots back on. She went and played in the snow while I continued to skate. It's been 7 years since I last got on a rink so it took a good ten minutes to get used to skating. I continued to shovel while i was on my skates. I do require a new pair, I preffer hockey skates because I can not stop on figure skates, plus my figure skates are in need of a good sharpening...and there's a bit of rust on the blade too but they sufficed.
             I look forward to going out tomorrow morning  with my husband and daughter and dog of course. We will have to reshovel as it's supposed to snow tonight but I think my husband needs more excersize so he can do it this time. I am so happy that we have this pond and I am glad that it rained last week because the ice was really crappy before. Maybe we'll have to have some friends over for a hockey game...so long as I get better skates.

Random questionaire...wish I could get points for this.

1. What is by far the ugliest color in your Oppinion? Puke Pink

2. If you had the opportunity to annoy ANYONE in the world who would you want to annoy? Oprah...because I can jump on that couch better than Tom Cruise can muwahahahaha

3. If you are trapped on an island what three people would you want to be trapped on the Island with and why? Richard Dean Anderson (Macguyver), Chuck Norris and Moses. One of them is bound to figure out a way off the island.

4. If you could own ANY type of pet what would you want to own? A Dragon...a real life sized Dragon :D

5.Where is the best place to become a Zombie? At a Mensa Meeting, good eats there.

6.The Zombie appocalypse is fast approaching or so the rumors state. What is your Zombie plan? Attend as a zombie

7. If you could enter a video game world which world would you most want to enter? Donkey Kong's Island!!!!

8. Who is the most irritating Celebrity? Lauren Conrad...actually the entire cast of the hills. 

9. Would you ever date a vampire? No, Vampires do not date Humans they eat them

10. If you were a vampire would you ever fall in love with a mortal? hahahahahahahaha then again I guess I can fall in love with my food.

11. What super power would be coolest to possess? Shapeshifting

12. If you could be a pro at any sport what sport would you play? Quidditch!!!

13. Do you know the muffin man? Yes I am married to him, he bakes at Tim Hortons

14. What is your favorite beverage? JAVA!!!!

15. A guy with multiple personality disorder is threatening to jump off a building. Is this a suicide threat or a hostage situation? Niether, one of his personalities will save him. That or he will lose the argument with himself eventually and just give up on the suicide attempt.

16. Describe the best way to drive a Mime into insanity. Play a blank tape full blast

17. What was the best thing before sliced bread? eggs

18. What would happen if women ruled the world? What? We don't rule the world? since when?

19. What was your worst Highschool experience? Grade nine and ten...I'd like to delete those years from my memory

20. If you were a hoarder what one thing would you hoard? Army of miniturized giant space hampsters.

21. If you survived the zombie outbreak what weapon would be ideal to use and why? A Cleric...Well think about it, Clerics can cast "Turn Undead"

22. What is your favorite type of weather? Thunderstorms

23. If a tree fell on your house what would you do? Look up at it and say..."well there's the fire wood for next season."

24. If you could delete all the songs from a singer or band which singer/ band would you choose? I can't simply choose all Rap musicians? Alright fine...uhhh 50 Cent. 

25. What type of music do you absolutely hate? Rap 

26. If you are stuck in a jail cell and have to losten to 5 songs over and over again for a year which 5 songs would you choose? 5 of the songs from Fallout 3...for some reason I can play that game and the songs never get irritating. "Bingo Bango Bongo I'm so happy in the jungle I refuse to goooo"

27. If you are on death Row what would you choose as your last meal? Turbacon 

28. What 3 items would you have to buy at a grocery store for the clerk to give you a funny look? Metamucil, Exlax and a plunger

29. What is the worst thing you have ever seen in your life? Meatspin.com

30. You Tube Video you wish you had not watched? "Look at my horse my horse is amazing, give it a lick 'mmmm it taste just like raisins.'"

31. Naughtiest thing you have ever done? Sorry I can't disclose that information they are still looking for the suspects

32. Who do you think shot JFK? The Decipticons

33. If you could own any vehicle what vehicle would you want to own? A Banshee...the ones from Halo!

34. Can the world function with more than 1 God? Think of the cataclysims and all the times we'd have to fix all their problems

35. Intelligent Design or Series of fortunate random events? Yeah sure why not...I guess it's totally cool to belive that houses can just build themselves because that's actually more possible than Earth being here without a maker. So next time you see a building building itself perfectly you can stand back in awe and continue on your atheist ways...it's all cool. If I am here by accident then life is not worth living.


36. If we evolved from apes why are apes still in existence? Well you see there was this commitee and some of the apes didn't want to change so they remained apes as the other half evolved. Now there are all these complications. It was so much simpler being an ape.

37. If you could go for a vacation right now where would you go? Pandora

38. Will the world end in 2012? No it's merely the zombie wave...but some humans will survive so we can end the world at a later date

39. If the wind speed is 35kph and the trees are horizontal how many pancakes can you fit into the dog house? 55

40. Movie you are looking forward to watching? ooooo so many...The last Harry Potter movie infact we won't even go see part 1 until part 2 comes out.

41. In a war who would win, The Death Star or Borg Cube? The Borg would assymilate the Deathstar making a more challenging opponent for everyone. Think about it...assymilated storm troopers.

42. What is the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to you? some old guy kept asking me for ways he could get horny...it was quite disturbing.

43. What is your phobia? Fish

44. Weirdest thing you have ever said? Blargnafraglebottomrawrnessblargsnarfwookiewookiewooo

45. What was your favorite TV show as a young kid? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

46. Who in your oppinion is the stupidest celebrity parent(s) When Lady Gaga has a kid...

47. What celebrity are you getting sick of hearing about/seeing? Justin Bieber

48. How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb? none but it takes one to light a candle

49. What would be the last words you say before you die? "Hey everyone! Watch this!!"

50. Are you insane? True or false? Cheese

Black Ops Noob.

             I spend alot of my time dissing noobs. However in the case of Call Of Duty, I am a noob. If I had listened to my Husband's advice months ago and actually played the game with him I would likely not be the noob I am today. But One must start somewhere right?
            I Know when I'm facing against another noob. We both aimlessly shoot at one another for a whole ten seconds before one of us FINALLY gets a head shot. I Know that I am a noob because I blew myself up with the RC exploding car. Yes I got the car and didn't know I was supposed to drive it, in stead I pressed my trigger button and down I went. I went through six maps before I killed someone. Actually people never found me because I never shot my weapon so I died less times than my husband. I spent most of my time being Dora The Explorer (Or exploder). I flat out just sucked.
            So I got taken out of online mode and put into training mode. On my Favorite map, Nuke Town. I Like it because it's so colourful...and small and I like to camp behind the sheds. My Husband took down about 275 people, I took down 25. He did all the work and I was all proud when I killed two in a row before dying. How sad is that? But I kept pushing myself to do better. The more I aimed for goals the more fun I had. I was such a crappy player that I was amused by my own failures.
            Then I was introduced to Nazi Zombies. I made it to round 3 a few times before I got used to it and killed zombies effectively enough to go past level 3. My Husband got to Level 14 solo so that says something about my playing abilities. We met some friends online and we played 3 rounds and got to level 7, I actually didn't get hit by a zombie till 5th round which was great. I felt as if I accomplished something.
            I Played some more online and killed more than one player woohoo! Then we went back to play training mode and I managed to get 4 kills in a row. My Husband has challenged me to complete goals in the online game as well as complete the campaign. So Now I have become a player sucked into the game. The game I really had zero interest in. But I should be interested, I like explosions and action so why would I not be interested in COD? I just wasn't interested in playing because I sucked. I still suck and probably will suck for the next few months until I get used to it enough that I am mediocre. But Being an Okay player is at least better than Noob status. So I'm on a mission. I will be a Black Ops chick. I will spend quality COD playing time with the Hubby and be proud that this makes him so very happy. He's so happy he's boasting to his friends at work (While mentioning I really suck of course). But I can't go downhill from here. It is time to take hold of that X-box controller and kick some ass. Watch out noobs...I can aim better now :D

My Name is Jessica Lynn Goslin...and I am a Noob...for now.