Grade 10 is when I got diagnosed with a severe case of anxiety disorder. My doctor prescribed Paxil after Ritalyn failed. I was introduced to Paxil before they made it illegal to prescribe to people under the age of 18. I almost died on Paxil because I was not taking it properly, I missed a pill here and there and it did alot of damage. Grade 10 is when I first attempted suicide. I would aimlessly wander around my neighbourhood with my mind swarming with multiple thoughts. I was so sick of suffering that I tried to end my life by overdose. Lucky for me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed and I tried to OD on Zantac. Yes Zantac, heart burn meds. I took about a dozen Zantac tablets and NOTHING happened. The second time I tried to kill myself I used the hanging method but the branch holding the rope broke. The third time I tried to end my life someone called the cops on me because I was disturbing traffic...trying to get hit by cars isn't that effective. I chickened out the fourth time, the train didn't come soon enough and I was over my episode so I went home. I tried to OD on Buckleys Cough syrop twice (I'm serious). One time I purposely took penicylin and it turns out I am no longer allergic to it. 14 ibuprofen pills only made me numb, I puked up the tylenol, and I could never hit my head hard enough off the walls. Some of the suicide methods were actually kind of funny now that I look back but every time I tried I was serious about it.
There was a time when I had a fight with my boyfriend in grade 10, I locked myself in my bathroom and just screamed. I stared myself down in the mirror and held a knife to my wrists. I really wanted to just slit my wrists. I wanted to feel pain. My mom started to anger me so I forgot about my fight with my boyfriend and focused all my anger on her. So to piss my mom off I took the knife and chopped off my long hair. The salon fixed it two days later but in the end all my long hair was gone. All in the name of a stupid anxiety attack. When I got anxiety I literally fought with myself. The pain was so bad that the only ways out were rages.
Every other day I had a massive anxiety attack. But I was getting them because I was abusing my pills. Paxil is a very dangerous medication. The summer of 2003 was very tough for me because I was just a ball full of emotions. Trouble seemed to always find me and my friends that summer. I was in a volatile relationship with a guy 3 years older than me...but I was the volatile one and he just didn't understand me. That summer I really wanted to just give up...I was so sick of living with the feeling of the world crashing down on me so I blocked everything out of my mind and I went to go end it all. But before I went out the door my mom handed me a letter that was left in the mail box. I've never seen writting like it, and it was just a peice of paper that said "Hey Jess, You're favorite Hockey Player says Hi, be good." So my first reaction was that OMG my crush is Stalking me!!! It wasn't my crush, and I still have no clue who placed 14 letters into my mailbox that summer. Maybe it was my mom's doing...she's never admitted to getting someone to write them but I have a feeling it was her idea. But it worked anyway whether it was someone actually stalking me or my mom hiring someone to write them. After that letter 13 more arrived with messages of encouragement. And they kept me sane. The 12th one told me to dump my boyfriend and I did. I was so set on finding my Guardian angel that would do ANYTHING, even remaining single for a few years.
Well my singleness lasted a grand total of 3 months. But the next person started dating really is my Guardian Angel. Without Nick, I don't know if I'd ever gotten this far. Nick stuck by me. Every single raging fit I took He was there. Every single hole I punched in the wall, he was there. Every time I physically abused him, he was there. (I did a poor job of hurting him, I usually ended up pulling my own muscles each time I tried to beat him up). I was a mess and I was messing with everyone's emotions.
Anxiety was a darkness that I faced pretty much every day. I claimed it was depression eating away at me but it was anxiety. If I didn't want to do something or be somewhere I did ANYTHING in my power to get out. I had panic attacks, I took fits, I hyperventilated, I cried, I hurt myself sometimes just to get out of situations. Depression is a darkness where you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Anxiety is more expressive and not hidden like depression is. People can tell when I'm having an anxiety attack because my mood changes. I'm not who I normally am.
Anxiety still affects me today. I can get over an episode within an hour though. When I feel anxious I warn everyone around me. I go and do my own thing like listen to some music until the feeling goes away. It was emotional when I was a teen and now it's a physical feeling. It's hard to explain the feelings that I feel but I can truthfully say they are physical. So all I do is wait for the anxiety to return and when it does I deal with it.
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