Bi-Polar, otherwise known as manic depressive. Extream ups and downs. The up was great the down was horrible. One I was in a hole it took hours, sometimes days to get out. No matter who offered to help, no matter how many funny shows I watched or how much music I listened to I had a very hard time getting out of my darkness. And it wasn't just moping around all depressed like either. These were episodes that should have landed me in a psych ward. I was 100% impulsave, I could do anything at anytime for no reason at all.
There was one particular night that all was well and all of a sudden I was just pissed at the world. I felt like nobody loved me, I had no hope and the more people spoke to me the angrier I got. I lost it, I went all excorsist on the living room floor. I'm not exaggerating, the only description I can offer is demon possessed girl. That's what I was. I kicked, screamed, swore, lashed out at everyone, threw things, punched holes in the wall with my head, ran to the basement, flipped a couch over 3 times with one hand then sat down, gave up and started to laugh. I began to laugh at my silliness and all was well. I got up, went to put the couch back and could not lift it without help. All I could really do was just laugh it off. Laugh until the next fit overcame me. My parents were used to fixing the walls, I got used to moving pictures and paintings around to cover any holes I made with my forehead. It went on for years, and can still happen today. Why? because sometimes my imballance is so strong the only solution is to walk out the door and go to a public place where I will hide behind a smile.
The last big episode I had was November 2009. My Husband was working in Toronto, I was all alone at home. I came home from work, and got mad at myself because I screamed infront of my daughter and scared her. Shge came up to me and told me it would be okay, I told her to go away. I was incapable of looking after my own kid that evening. But I tried, finally she went to bed and that's when I really started. I went on Skype to talk to my husband and all hell broke loose. It was one thing after the other that set me off on a downward spiral. By 10pm I was into the ibuprofen. Each time my husband said he didn't belive I'd kill myself I took a pill. I ate 13 pills that night. My mom in law had to calm me down too. By the 13th pill I was feeling better because I was stonned off Ibuprofen. My legs were numb and I was just tired. I went to bed, woke up as if nothing even happened and went to work. All was good. I appologized to my husband, told my mom in law on the phone that I knew better and since then nothing that extream has happened. I had another episode in april of 2010 but it was more of an anxiety issue that got solved when I walked out the door and found myself at the church prayer meeting.
We figured out after a huge pattern that I'm seasonal Bi-Polar. The rest of the year only anxiety bugs me. Novemember and April are the dark months. I can get into a two week episode where I'm literally a ticking time bomb. Those months I absolutely have to keep my daughter at home (not let her go visit grandma) because she's the only person who keeps me grounded even if she decides to be annoying. I won't have a huge fit infront of my daughter. If I don't keep busy the darkness sets in and I usually suffer for it. I've chewed my wrists, scratched at my face, hit my head off the walls which are NOT drywall so I end up with bumps. I can be a total mess. But I was successful in November of 2010, I had a few minor freak outs but under the circumstances I was in I'm surprised I didn't kill myself. But I got through for once.
The darkness will return. The darkness best described as demons in my head. I know it's not demons but my chemical imballance puts my greatest foe against me: Myself. I have to fight my own thoughts, and that right there is a very challenging battle. But I have not lost yet, so now I wait.
Great blog and interesting contents.
ReplyDeleteI like it! Thank you