I found some of my highschool journals (Yes I kept them) and found that every other page was pretty much negative. One day I had a good day the next I was having an aweful day. I complained alot and vented alot...for the most part my entries were very silly. But I got together some parts of the journal and I have decided to blog them. This is who I was back in the day.
November 27/2004 "...the looks he gave me, I know he was staring and so was his girlfriend. Who knows what he said about me! I was such a LOSER! I realize now, everything I am is all my fault, I made myself a loser, It was my fault bullies targeted me-I'm a LOSER! All those damn nights I cried and blamed everyone else but all I have to blame is myself...I've let myself down big time."
Dec 5 2004-"No matter how many of us there are, we all eat from the same loaf, showing that we are all parts of the body of Christ (1Cor 10:17) ...and they allowed my friend whos not a Christian nor believes in God to partake in the Lord supper? We ate the bread and partook of the cup with a person of the world? This means she's symbolically apart of me!"
(How Naive I was as a Christian, I knew nothing and I found this comment very silly. For so many years I was a blind Christian and it wasn't until 2009 that actually figured things out. I am on track now and see everything in a huge new perspective. Yes I am still a Christian and I can testify that most of my problems were solved all thanks to God and I will Testify that till the day I die)
"I really want to ve a Vet tech, I can't see myself doing anything else. I hate people, I want to work with animals. I'm just not a people person...I will never be a people person."
"Im begining to feel alot of love for Nick. What if he's right? what if we really are meant to be? He might be my true love! Most guys keep asking for sex (Nick does sometimes), I don't want to have sex unless it's with my soulmate. I'm a one man kinda girl." (wooo if only I knew...LOL)
Jan 7 2005 "We did pig dissection in biology so I attacked one of the dumb ass Oshawa Generals with the intestines. Oh man his face went so pale and his team mates went into hysterics. Serves the dick right for copying off me every damn day. Yeah I know I'm messed up...but it was so damn funny."
March 1st 2005 "Nobody is listening to ME! I wish people would stop walking all over me!"
March 16 2005 "Nick broke up with me at lunch. When I called him around 7:30 he pretended as if nothing even happened. What a Dick Head I f****** hate him! He can rot in hell for all I care! I'd rather be alone the rest of my life in a F****** strait Jacket! Thats where I belong! Nick says He's sick of my attitude? Sick of abuse? Whatever! Anyways I punched a hole in the wall, kicked my hampster cage, broke a few candles in my room Smacked my head off my keyboard and told my mom to go F*** herself...I don't really remember what else I did but I know I screamed like a Banshee or a demon possessed little girl. I wonder if my eyes were red and glowing. After I hit my head off the bathroom counter I felt better...only the pain can stop my wrath. Nothing else works."
"Why am I such an idiot? Why can't I be responsible? I'm sick of hurting myself! I want this to end! I'm so tired and it hurts!"
April 8th 2005 "Today my fave singer was found dead in 1994. Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. He took his own life but his music still lives to make me feel better. Sometimes I dream of killing myself while listening to Nirvana, but I'm a coward. So Instead I sit here listening to Nirvana thinking of suicide. Today marks the birthday of my fave hockey player...I had a crush on him and was all obsessed like some girl who talks non stop about their fave boy band. The crush is gone but maybe one day we could be friends....I think he's pretty cool. I wonder if he likes Nirvana? After all a very talented singer was found dead on his birthday."
April 27 "I hate my mom so much! She's NEVER possitive! Seriously...why do I want to put on F****** makeup and make my damn hair perfect? Who gives a rats ass??? The world should have bloody ended years ago the way she talks. She actually told me that Christianity was making me ill...What? Holy crap what kind of a Christian is she? One of a kind...one of a kind."
May 16 "Durring my spare class I talked to strangers online abour farts hehe."
June 3rd 2005 "Nick Proposed to me at prom!!!...Omg I walkied into the bathroom and 5 girls were discussing how Nick and I won't last and that we'll be broken up by next week. Stupid bitches. One girl said I don't deserve him? Oh right so after all those whores make fun of him for years they have rights to say I don't deserve him? You snooze you lose Bitches! Stupid hippocrites! I didn't see any of them being nice to him. Whatever...this is the last year I have to ever see their stupid faces!" (Until *drum roll* Facebook! However they all changed just like everyone else. Highschool is such a drag.)
June 6th "I had a terrible morning. I freaked out, threw my hair brush at Nick, all because my hair looked like crap and My ring broke. So he walked out on me and I got more pissed and I spazzed out on my bathroom floor. My all time fave place to spaz. I can't control myself...when I get into these moods I seem to have issues calming myself down. It sucks...I wish I was in more control. I'm sick of hurting people. I'm sick of hurting myself."
Septmeber 8th 2005 "Well, screw college plans. For a few years anyway. Got the news today that I'm pregnant. Nick was really happy. HA! I knew it! He Knocked me up on purpose! That bastard! Oh man my mom is going to freak out big time. You know what? I'm pretty excited...I'm going to be a mommy!"
October 8th "I felt depressed today so I went over to Nicks house. For once instead of telling me to suck it up he Hugged me and comforted me. It was nice. Then we watched Hockey and I couldn't stop laughing at how utterly Ridiculous Alfredson looked. Bahahahaha CLOWN!"
October 17th "My mom wants me to move to Moncton with my sister and look after the baby there. My sister agrees and says she'll adopt my baby and I can stay there and look after the baby. So I talked to my sister for a bit about this idea..."
november 4th "Commencement today. I graduate from Henry High. I have so many memories! Crushing on an Oshawa General, slipping on a puddle, watching my friends slip on the hill, getting suspended over something so stupid...so many things yet the biggest was meeting Nick. I love him so much! And we get to graduate together. Of course we fought for a bit before commencement but we made up in five minutes. Nick loves me, he has to. Nobody else could put up with all my crap. But he did. So tonight I graduate...and I'm pregnant. I passed out while waiting in line to sit down in the gym. My introduction wasn't "Jess is attending RidgeTown College" It was "Professional Mercahndise mover at Zellers." Oh yeah...I Rock. Screw You Henry Street Highschool I'm Outta here...and I'll miss every moment of it."
November 18th "So I decied to throw a huge fit and not go to work tonight. I went to the Bar and sang some Karaoke then Nick walked in and I ran outside, took my shoes off and walked half way home barefoot in the snow. I didn't feel the cold...I just walked. I was pissed off. I walked all the way home fighting with Nick, went inside, quit my job and chopped all my pretty hair off. MY LIFE BLOWS!!!"
December 31 2005 "I walked out of my stupid house, I'm sick of my mom. So I went to Nick's house for New Years Eve. I need to move out of my house...my mom is so controlling. I'm getting annoyed. To top it off Nick and I are both sick so we slept through the new years count down. 2006...is going to be a year of big changes."
February 22nd 2006 "OMG I don't wanna see my blood sugar results I don't wanna give up sugar >< I love sugar. OMG!!! The OB just told me I need MORE SUGAR! I'm low blood sugar! That's why I always faint. WOOT! SUGAR!!!!! I'm so happy right now!"
May 13th 2006 "I'm the proud mommy of a little girl. Nick knows so much more about parenting than I do. I thought I'd break Aurora if I held her. I figured it all out though. She's so Beautiful."
June 20th 2006 "I Need to get the hell out of my parent's house ugh! They won't let Nick see his daughter half the time! My mom wouldn't let me take her for a walk. SHES MY KID! I need to get the hell out of here. I'm not an incompetent idiot!"
and that's where my Journals pretty much end. I had more issues after of course. Nick and I got married July 11th 2007. We bought our own house November 23rd 2007. Things were up and down for a bit until I started to not give a rats butt about finances. I'm happy with what I have. We Figured out energy drinks made me into Miss Hulk so I no longer drink them. So many changes. I was messed up in Highschool. I was confused, crazy, depressed...I was all over the place. But Today I have so much more together...and my pleads to get better came true.
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