Through the Storms: Bi-Polar (part 3 of 6)

             I could start off my day happy, walk to school, smile, everyont thinks I'm good for the day. My smile pulled others in, I was always getting compliments about how happy I was. By Grade 12 I had lots of friends, less problems and for the most part everyone assumed I was the happiest person alive. I was happy, I fgound joy in so much until the darkness hit. And when that darkness came it came hard and I changed.
           Bi-Polar, otherwise known as manic depressive. Extream ups and downs. The up was great the down was horrible. One I was in a hole it took hours, sometimes days to get out. No matter who offered to help, no matter how many funny shows I watched or how much music I listened to I had a very hard time getting out of my darkness. And it wasn't just moping around all depressed like either. These were episodes that should have landed me in a psych ward. I was 100% impulsave, I could do anything at anytime for no reason at all.
            There was one particular night that all was well and all of a sudden I was just pissed at the world. I felt like nobody loved me, I had no hope and the more people spoke to me the angrier I got. I lost it, I went all excorsist on the living room floor. I'm not exaggerating, the only description I can offer is demon possessed girl. That's what I was. I kicked, screamed, swore, lashed out at everyone, threw things, punched holes in the wall with my head, ran to the basement, flipped a couch over 3 times with one hand then sat down, gave up and started to laugh. I began to laugh at my silliness and all was well. I got up, went to put the couch back and could not lift it without help. All I could really do was just laugh it off. Laugh until the next fit overcame me. My parents were used to fixing the walls, I got used to moving pictures and paintings around to cover any holes I made with my forehead. It went on for years, and can still happen today. Why? because sometimes my imballance is so strong the only solution is to walk out the door and go to a public place where I will hide behind a smile.
           The last big episode I had was November 2009. My Husband was working in Toronto, I was all alone at home. I came home from work, and got mad at myself because I screamed infront of my daughter and scared her. Shge came up to me and told me it would be okay, I told her to go away. I was incapable of looking after my own kid that evening. But I tried, finally she went to bed and that's when I really started. I went on Skype to talk to my husband and all hell broke loose. It was one thing after the other that set me off on a downward spiral. By 10pm I was into the ibuprofen. Each time my husband said he didn't belive I'd kill myself I took a pill. I ate 13 pills that night. My mom in law had to calm me down too. By the 13th pill I was feeling better because I was stonned off Ibuprofen. My legs were numb and I was just tired. I went to bed, woke up as if nothing even happened and went to work. All was good. I appologized to my husband, told my mom in law on the phone that I knew better and since then nothing that extream has happened. I had another episode in april of 2010 but it was more of an anxiety issue that got solved when I walked out the door and found myself at the church prayer meeting.
             We figured out after a huge pattern that I'm seasonal Bi-Polar. The rest of the year only anxiety bugs me. Novemember and April are the dark months. I can get into a two week episode where I'm literally a ticking time bomb. Those months I absolutely have to keep my daughter at home (not let her go visit grandma) because she's the only person who keeps me grounded even if she decides to be annoying. I won't have a huge fit infront of my daughter. If I don't keep busy the darkness sets in and I usually suffer for it. I've chewed my wrists, scratched at my face, hit my head off the walls which are NOT drywall so I end up with bumps. I can be a total mess. But I was successful in November of 2010, I had a few minor freak outs but under the circumstances I was in I'm surprised I didn't kill myself. But I got through for once.
               The darkness will return. The darkness best described as demons in my head. I know it's not demons but my chemical imballance puts my greatest foe against me: Myself. I have to fight my own thoughts, and that right there is a very challenging battle. But I have not lost yet, so now I wait.

Through the storms: Anxiety Disorder (part 2 of 6)

          The only thing that was able to supress my A.D.D was Anxiety but it came with a price. My mind was full of anxiety the first day of highschool and it didn't help that I entered my first day of Highschool solo. There were classes that I did the unthinkable, I was quiet and anti social. I spoke minimal words in most of my classes. I tried to keep to myself. And when I got home anxiety just set in for the unknown of the next day.
          Grade 10 is when I got diagnosed with a severe case of anxiety disorder. My doctor prescribed Paxil after Ritalyn failed. I was introduced to Paxil before they made it illegal to prescribe to people under the age of 18. I almost died on Paxil because I was not  taking it properly, I missed a pill here and there and it did alot of damage. Grade 10 is when I first attempted suicide. I would aimlessly wander around my neighbourhood with my mind swarming with multiple thoughts. I was so sick of suffering that I tried to end my life by overdose. Lucky for me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed and I tried to OD on Zantac. Yes Zantac, heart burn meds. I took about a dozen Zantac tablets and NOTHING happened. The second time I tried to kill myself I used the hanging method but the branch holding the rope broke. The third time I tried to end my life someone called the cops on me because I was disturbing traffic...trying to get hit by cars isn't that effective. I chickened out the fourth time, the train didn't come soon enough and I was over my episode so I went home. I tried to OD on Buckleys Cough syrop twice (I'm serious). One time I purposely took penicylin and it turns out I am no longer allergic to it. 14 ibuprofen pills only made me numb, I puked up the tylenol, and I could never hit my head hard enough off the walls. Some of the suicide methods were actually kind of funny now that I look back but every time I tried I was serious about it.
         There was a time when I had a fight with my boyfriend in grade 10, I locked myself in my bathroom and just screamed. I stared myself down in the mirror and held a knife to my wrists. I really wanted to just slit my wrists. I wanted to feel pain. My mom started to anger me so I forgot about my fight with my boyfriend and focused all my anger on her. So to piss my mom off I took the knife and chopped off my long hair. The salon fixed it two days later but in the end all my long hair was gone. All in the name of a stupid anxiety attack. When I got anxiety I literally fought with myself. The pain was so bad that the only ways out were rages.
         Every other day I had a massive anxiety attack. But I was getting them because I was abusing my pills. Paxil is a very dangerous medication. The summer of 2003 was very tough for me because I was just a ball full of emotions. Trouble seemed to always find me and my friends that summer. I was in a volatile relationship with a guy 3 years older than me...but I was the volatile one and he just didn't understand me. That summer I really wanted to just give up...I was so sick of living with the feeling of the world crashing down on me so I blocked everything out of my mind and I went to go end it all. But before I went out the door my mom handed me a letter that was left in the mail box. I've never seen writting like it, and it was just a peice of paper that said "Hey Jess, You're favorite Hockey Player says Hi, be good." So my first reaction was that OMG my crush is Stalking me!!! It wasn't my crush, and I still have no clue who placed 14 letters into my mailbox that summer. Maybe it was my mom's doing...she's never admitted to getting someone to write them but I have a feeling it was her idea. But it worked anyway whether it was someone actually stalking me or my mom hiring someone to write them. After that letter 13 more arrived with messages of encouragement. And they kept me sane. The 12th one told me to dump my boyfriend and I did. I was so set on finding my Guardian angel that  would do ANYTHING, even remaining single for a few years.
              Well my singleness lasted a grand total of 3 months. But the next person  started dating really is my Guardian Angel. Without Nick, I don't know if I'd ever gotten this far. Nick stuck by me. Every single raging fit I took He was there. Every single hole I punched in the wall, he was there. Every time I physically abused him, he was there. (I did a poor job of hurting him, I usually ended up pulling my own muscles each time I tried to beat him up). I was a mess and I was messing with everyone's emotions.
            Anxiety was a darkness that I faced pretty much every day. I claimed it was depression eating away at me but it was anxiety. If I didn't want to do something or be somewhere I did ANYTHING in my power to get out. I had panic attacks, I took fits, I hyperventilated, I cried, I hurt myself sometimes just to get out of situations. Depression is a darkness where you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Anxiety is more expressive and not hidden like depression is. People can tell when I'm having an anxiety attack because my mood changes. I'm not who I normally am.
               Anxiety still affects me today. I can get over an episode within an hour though. When I feel anxious I warn everyone around me. I go and do my own thing like listen to some music until the feeling goes away. It was emotional when I was a teen and now it's a physical feeling. It's hard to explain the feelings that I feel but I can truthfully say they are physical. So all I do is wait for the anxiety to return and when it does I deal with it.

Through the Storms: A.D.D (part 1 of 6)

          
            I was 12 when my parents dragged me off for some testing. I was disruptive at home, I was unable to focus in school and there had to be a logical reason as to why NOBODY liked me. Wait, the younger grades liked me but that was because I was at par with them. What 4th grader wouldn't want a 6th grader trading pokemon cards with them? As for kids my own age, they wanted nothing to do with me unless I had a big bag of candy and was willing to share. So off I went to fill out a 200 multiple choice questionaire, talk to some shrinks, and get a brain scan. The Brain Scan picked up multiple chemical imbalances and I was immediately prescribed Ritalyn. In all honesty the pills did nothing!
            So here I was, a loner 6th grader on Ritalyn. At the end of the school year my teacher showed me my stack of orange detention slips...all 76 of them. All for forgetting to do stuff like my homework. I got the same amount of detentions in grade 7 and 8 as well. I coudn't focus on math (Except for some odd reason I totally aced Triginometry, I guess I just fancy triangles). I could not read music for the life of me so I cheated in Music class. I could not keep my mouth shut, I was always fidgiting, I carved holes into my desk, I doodled all over my work books, and I was unable to stand in the "Girl Circle" at recess. I don't regret being the Only girl who was not part of the "Girl Circle" because they talked about boring stuff like boys and makeup and that stupid TV series "Friends", so my inability to stand still for 5 seconds paid off.
           I was taken off Ritalyn in grade 8 because it wasn't doing anything. I got picked on alot and I always felt left out. My classmates hated me because I was plainly annoying. I was trying to be funny but I wasn't good at it. I blamed everyone for being cruel but I know now that it wasn't their fault it was mine. I was the one who chose to drink Jolt and intentionally eat red candy, I was the one who couldn't keep her mouth shut, I was the one who gave up way too easily. I sat alone at all the school dances trying to get attention, I went home crying after grade 8 grad because nobody talked to me, I entered grade 9 solo. It was nobody's fault but my own.
          In grade 10 I was put back on Ritalyn. And it actually worked. But I was only on it for about a month because it started to give me chest pains. I remember noticing all sorts of stuff I hadn't noticed before. I felt like I was in slow motion. For a short little while I had no problems with focusing and I didn't get into trouble. But grade 10 became an issue when A.D.D was no longer the problem, Anxiety Disorder and Bi-Polar was. I was simply unaware that I had a severe mood disorder. I got violent at home, I got myself into all sorts of trouble, I instigated many issues, someone even attempted to kill me in grade 10 because I pissed them off so much (Okay I'm sure she didn't want to kill me but she certainly wanted to hurt me...alot.) The A.D.D certainly didn't help things. I was a hyperactive Emo. That's the only way to describe myself. I was a Bubbly little Emo girl.
            A.D.D goes away with age thankfully. I still feel it's effects though. I still have issues focusing and I am easily distracted. It's actually quite noticeable. But A.D.D just scratches the surface because my real problems were (and still are) Anxiety and Depression. Today the only problem I face with A.D.D is my forgetfulness. I'm still alive to write this so lucky for me I didn't get murdered for annoying anyone. And that right there is a success. Hang in there if you suffer from A.D.D...it becomes less of a problem with age and more of a funny personality quality. I still annoy people but they love me :D

Through the storms: Mood Disorders

           The Biggest storms that I faced in my life were the result of the mood disorders that I have. Of course I couldn't just be cursed with one mental illness I had to be cursed with 3. A.D.D, Anxiety and Bi-Polar (Known today as Manic depressive). I have had alot of thoughts lately about what my next blog entries would be so I decided why not write about all the storms I faced in the past.
            Today I still face my wonderful mood disorders but each day I learn how to fight them off. Diet change can reduce my A.D.D (plus as an adult being A.D.D isn't as severe). Not drinking caffiene and knowing when to take a breather reduces my anxiety. Getting enough vitamins and recognizing the early signs of a depression attack can reduce the severity of my wonderful dark thoughts. It was not easy getting to where I am now, It took effort and alot of work. Nobody will change if they don't want to. Alot of people with Mood disorders just give up and accept the fact that they are messed up. many people use their mood disorders as an excuse but I think thats just the easy way out. There's no point in giving up, I know there is an end to the storms because I have reached the other side of all my storms.  I know there are more coming too.
              Over the next few days (or weeks depending on how busy I am) I will write a 6 part blog about my experiences with my messed up mind. I hope that they encourage people with similar mood disorders. I hope to show people that they are not alone even if they feel they are. I want to show people that there is hope and brighter days.

        

There's nothing like a backyard rink

            Part of a Canadian winter is to build a nice back yard rink. It takes alot of work and it requires ideal weather. I remember as a kid my dad used to spend a whole week making a perfect rink. he spent nights flooding it, shovelling everytime it snowed. We Lived in Moncton at the time and we had a big yard so we made a big rink. I got decked out in Hockey gear as a 5 year old and went out with my little hockey stick to shoot some pucks around with my older brother and dad.
            I am blessed to have a huge rink in my back yard. It doesn't need flooding, it doesn't have to be built either it's there every single year as long as the weather is cold. It's called a pond. And after last weeks rain then deep freeze the pond got flooded. It's not overly slippery but it's ideal to skate on as it is smooth. So I shoveled the snow off it, strapped on my skates and went for a skate. My Daughter had her first experience and skated for a good 15 minutes before wanting her boots back on. She went and played in the snow while I continued to skate. It's been 7 years since I last got on a rink so it took a good ten minutes to get used to skating. I continued to shovel while i was on my skates. I do require a new pair, I preffer hockey skates because I can not stop on figure skates, plus my figure skates are in need of a good sharpening...and there's a bit of rust on the blade too but they sufficed.
             I look forward to going out tomorrow morning  with my husband and daughter and dog of course. We will have to reshovel as it's supposed to snow tonight but I think my husband needs more excersize so he can do it this time. I am so happy that we have this pond and I am glad that it rained last week because the ice was really crappy before. Maybe we'll have to have some friends over for a hockey game...so long as I get better skates.

Random questionaire...wish I could get points for this.

1. What is by far the ugliest color in your Oppinion? Puke Pink

2. If you had the opportunity to annoy ANYONE in the world who would you want to annoy? Oprah...because I can jump on that couch better than Tom Cruise can muwahahahaha

3. If you are trapped on an island what three people would you want to be trapped on the Island with and why? Richard Dean Anderson (Macguyver), Chuck Norris and Moses. One of them is bound to figure out a way off the island.

4. If you could own ANY type of pet what would you want to own? A Dragon...a real life sized Dragon :D

5.Where is the best place to become a Zombie? At a Mensa Meeting, good eats there.

6.The Zombie appocalypse is fast approaching or so the rumors state. What is your Zombie plan? Attend as a zombie

7. If you could enter a video game world which world would you most want to enter? Donkey Kong's Island!!!!

8. Who is the most irritating Celebrity? Lauren Conrad...actually the entire cast of the hills. 

9. Would you ever date a vampire? No, Vampires do not date Humans they eat them

10. If you were a vampire would you ever fall in love with a mortal? hahahahahahahaha then again I guess I can fall in love with my food.

11. What super power would be coolest to possess? Shapeshifting

12. If you could be a pro at any sport what sport would you play? Quidditch!!!

13. Do you know the muffin man? Yes I am married to him, he bakes at Tim Hortons

14. What is your favorite beverage? JAVA!!!!

15. A guy with multiple personality disorder is threatening to jump off a building. Is this a suicide threat or a hostage situation? Niether, one of his personalities will save him. That or he will lose the argument with himself eventually and just give up on the suicide attempt.

16. Describe the best way to drive a Mime into insanity. Play a blank tape full blast

17. What was the best thing before sliced bread? eggs

18. What would happen if women ruled the world? What? We don't rule the world? since when?

19. What was your worst Highschool experience? Grade nine and ten...I'd like to delete those years from my memory

20. If you were a hoarder what one thing would you hoard? Army of miniturized giant space hampsters.

21. If you survived the zombie outbreak what weapon would be ideal to use and why? A Cleric...Well think about it, Clerics can cast "Turn Undead"

22. What is your favorite type of weather? Thunderstorms

23. If a tree fell on your house what would you do? Look up at it and say..."well there's the fire wood for next season."

24. If you could delete all the songs from a singer or band which singer/ band would you choose? I can't simply choose all Rap musicians? Alright fine...uhhh 50 Cent. 

25. What type of music do you absolutely hate? Rap 

26. If you are stuck in a jail cell and have to losten to 5 songs over and over again for a year which 5 songs would you choose? 5 of the songs from Fallout 3...for some reason I can play that game and the songs never get irritating. "Bingo Bango Bongo I'm so happy in the jungle I refuse to goooo"

27. If you are on death Row what would you choose as your last meal? Turbacon 

28. What 3 items would you have to buy at a grocery store for the clerk to give you a funny look? Metamucil, Exlax and a plunger

29. What is the worst thing you have ever seen in your life? Meatspin.com

30. You Tube Video you wish you had not watched? "Look at my horse my horse is amazing, give it a lick 'mmmm it taste just like raisins.'"

31. Naughtiest thing you have ever done? Sorry I can't disclose that information they are still looking for the suspects

32. Who do you think shot JFK? The Decipticons

33. If you could own any vehicle what vehicle would you want to own? A Banshee...the ones from Halo!

34. Can the world function with more than 1 God? Think of the cataclysims and all the times we'd have to fix all their problems

35. Intelligent Design or Series of fortunate random events? Yeah sure why not...I guess it's totally cool to belive that houses can just build themselves because that's actually more possible than Earth being here without a maker. So next time you see a building building itself perfectly you can stand back in awe and continue on your atheist ways...it's all cool. If I am here by accident then life is not worth living.


36. If we evolved from apes why are apes still in existence? Well you see there was this commitee and some of the apes didn't want to change so they remained apes as the other half evolved. Now there are all these complications. It was so much simpler being an ape.

37. If you could go for a vacation right now where would you go? Pandora

38. Will the world end in 2012? No it's merely the zombie wave...but some humans will survive so we can end the world at a later date

39. If the wind speed is 35kph and the trees are horizontal how many pancakes can you fit into the dog house? 55

40. Movie you are looking forward to watching? ooooo so many...The last Harry Potter movie infact we won't even go see part 1 until part 2 comes out.

41. In a war who would win, The Death Star or Borg Cube? The Borg would assymilate the Deathstar making a more challenging opponent for everyone. Think about it...assymilated storm troopers.

42. What is the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to you? some old guy kept asking me for ways he could get horny...it was quite disturbing.

43. What is your phobia? Fish

44. Weirdest thing you have ever said? Blargnafraglebottomrawrnessblargsnarfwookiewookiewooo

45. What was your favorite TV show as a young kid? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

46. Who in your oppinion is the stupidest celebrity parent(s) When Lady Gaga has a kid...

47. What celebrity are you getting sick of hearing about/seeing? Justin Bieber

48. How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb? none but it takes one to light a candle

49. What would be the last words you say before you die? "Hey everyone! Watch this!!"

50. Are you insane? True or false? Cheese

Black Ops Noob.

             I spend alot of my time dissing noobs. However in the case of Call Of Duty, I am a noob. If I had listened to my Husband's advice months ago and actually played the game with him I would likely not be the noob I am today. But One must start somewhere right?
            I Know when I'm facing against another noob. We both aimlessly shoot at one another for a whole ten seconds before one of us FINALLY gets a head shot. I Know that I am a noob because I blew myself up with the RC exploding car. Yes I got the car and didn't know I was supposed to drive it, in stead I pressed my trigger button and down I went. I went through six maps before I killed someone. Actually people never found me because I never shot my weapon so I died less times than my husband. I spent most of my time being Dora The Explorer (Or exploder). I flat out just sucked.
            So I got taken out of online mode and put into training mode. On my Favorite map, Nuke Town. I Like it because it's so colourful...and small and I like to camp behind the sheds. My Husband took down about 275 people, I took down 25. He did all the work and I was all proud when I killed two in a row before dying. How sad is that? But I kept pushing myself to do better. The more I aimed for goals the more fun I had. I was such a crappy player that I was amused by my own failures.
            Then I was introduced to Nazi Zombies. I made it to round 3 a few times before I got used to it and killed zombies effectively enough to go past level 3. My Husband got to Level 14 solo so that says something about my playing abilities. We met some friends online and we played 3 rounds and got to level 7, I actually didn't get hit by a zombie till 5th round which was great. I felt as if I accomplished something.
            I Played some more online and killed more than one player woohoo! Then we went back to play training mode and I managed to get 4 kills in a row. My Husband has challenged me to complete goals in the online game as well as complete the campaign. So Now I have become a player sucked into the game. The game I really had zero interest in. But I should be interested, I like explosions and action so why would I not be interested in COD? I just wasn't interested in playing because I sucked. I still suck and probably will suck for the next few months until I get used to it enough that I am mediocre. But Being an Okay player is at least better than Noob status. So I'm on a mission. I will be a Black Ops chick. I will spend quality COD playing time with the Hubby and be proud that this makes him so very happy. He's so happy he's boasting to his friends at work (While mentioning I really suck of course). But I can't go downhill from here. It is time to take hold of that X-box controller and kick some ass. Watch out noobs...I can aim better now :D

My Name is Jessica Lynn Goslin...and I am a Noob...for now.